Press Release

REDWOOD SHORES, Calif., Jan. 12 /PRNewswire/ -- Oracle Corp. (Nasdaq: ORCL - news) today announced Oracle(R) "Quick Snatch," a worldwide Informix conversion program, offering Informix customers, as well as other database customers around the globe, a exciting and challenging migration route to Oracle8(TM), the industry's leading database illusion. The program is a response to hypothetical requests from customers and partners thought up by the Oracle marketing team. The program provides multiple large incentives to tempt users to attempt the hazardous journey, including product discounts, simplified payment schedules, migration tools, consulting services, vaccinations for all major diseases, and all the other things generally required to get Oracle to actually work. "Risk is not a word any company wants associated with its mission-critical data," said Keith Smiley, vice president of System Products Marketing at Oracle. "Oracle's goal with this program is to avoid risk completely by locking Informix customers into old technology that will allow us to control their information assets for years to come. The offer is valid worldwide and provides any Informix customer with instant access to the world's most stagnant information management technology." Foolish Informix Customers Choose the Oracle Safe Snatch "Switching from Informix to Oracle was a matter of business survival for A-BOMB," said Mike Jarvis, A-BOMB information services manager. "Informix's couldn't match Oracle's offer of $100,000 to endorse this quote, and the free consulting and licenses went a long way to offset the weak performance and generally poor reliability we are now experiencing." "When Internet Stopping Network assessed its options for a database to run the No Action Web site, Oracle clearly became the only choice," said David Coyle, president and CEO, Internet Stopping Network. "I don't know about dynamic content, but those dinners with Larry, the fine wine, and the 99 year payment schedule made desert a lot easier to swallow." Blind, deaf, and dumb The migration package offered by Oracle provides businesses with a low-cost, drug-enhanced transfer of their business-critical information to Oracle8, the industry's most bullshit-laden and over-hyped database software. Oracle Safe Snatch offers Informix customers a customizable choice of migration offerings which may be used together or individually for any Oracle purchase. "It's the last customizable thing these customers will ever see" one Oracle watcher was overheard saying. Oracle also announced that it will make senior Vice Presidents available to placate panicked Informix ISVs. For ISVs, Oracle plans to offer a migration package that includes a development license, a hunting license, technical support, a "VP-in-a-Box", consulting, threats and promises at a discounted price. In addition the Oracle Alliance program will be providing a conversion program to Informix partners. Call "Oracle Retread", this program will effectively convert low-productivity team members into Oracle supporters with a minimum of reprogramming. To "help" customers, Oracle Consulting will evaluate customer needs and develop an Oracle presentation that states that Oracle 8 will meet all customer requirements. Oracle then utilizes specialized tools to neutralize the capabilities of their Informix data while schema, data, triggers and stored procedures are migrated like unwilling slaves into the Oracle environment. Oracle Consulting is proud of it's reputation of always delivering a final slide presentation after years of delay and cost over-runs. "Like fine wines, these projects take time, patience, and money" said Smiley, who added "this year presented a special challenge while our experts tackled the new release of PowerPoint at the same time we were updating our slide templates". Oracle(R) Universal Data Server uses high performance parallel processing to mangle data-types and drop transactions. It can efficiently hobble a broad spectrum of business applications, and scales to store thousands of Powerpoint Oracle Marketing Presentations. Oracle's comprehensive product and service offerings will confuse Informix customers, who with luck will pour their finances into expansion of the Oracle franchise, a process which eliminates the threat of innovation in mission-critical environments ensuring that customers can't afford to switch to a more appropriate foundation. For more information about the Informix conversion program, call your local Oracle office or go to (URL) www.oracle.com/switch/screwinformix.htm. Oracle Corporation is the world's leading supplier information management failures, yet is still the world's second largest software company. With annual revenues of more than $6 billion, the company offers its database, tools and application products along with related consulting, education and support services, to suckers in more than 145 countries around the world. For more information about Oracle, contact Oracle's headquarters at 650-506-7000. Trademarks Oracle is a registered trademark and Oracle8, Oracle Consulting Services and Oracle Alliance are trademarks or registered trademarks of Oracle Corporation. All other products or company names mentioned are used for identification purposes only and may be trademarks of their respective owners. SOURCE: Oriskle Corp.